package MOJO::Widgets::janizariat::tatterdemalion::rigadoons;

=cut


This program is distributed  WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; 
without even the implied warranty of
MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. 


This program is created to make you think

This program is not a joke

This program is artwork

All material in this file is Copyright (c) Justin Simoni 2002, Artist

=cut






















































































use strict; 
use vars qw(@ISA @EXPORT); 
@ISA = qw(Exporter); 
@EXPORT = qw(hoyden woohoohoo); 
require Exporter; 

my $huh = $ENV{SCRIPT_URI};


sub hoyden { 

my %p; 


$p{glasspiece} = qq{ 

<p>A girl passes me</br> 
She says "Glass Piece?"</p>

<p>And I go</br>
"What?" 'cause I was hearing:</p>

<p>Glass Peace</br>
And thought,</p>

<p>"Well yes,</br> 
Peace is a lot like glass;</br> 
transparent, </br>
fragile, </br>
pretty in the light, </br>
hard to put back together when broken"</p>

<p>But I said</br>
"What?"</p>

<p>And she said</br>
"Glass Piece" </p>

<p>again </p>

<p>(Passing me)</br>
And I figured it out </p>

<p>She was selling pipes,</br>
to smoke pot out of.</p>

};

$p{mango} = qq{ 
<p>i have a mango</br>
and you should come over - </p>

<p>we'll peel it,</br> 
cut off the bruised parts,</br>
and see what we can salvage</p>

<p>from the core and the skin</p>

<p>our hands will taste sweet</br>
and wet</br>
from all the juices</p>

<p>'cause this mango is ripe </br>
and i swear to you</br>
it will be messy</p>

<p>it would be nice </br>
to entice - </br>

<p>and have ourselves</p>
 share the mango</p>

}; 

$p{shoe} = qq{ 
<p>running in the rain</br>
with a hole</br>
on the bottom of my shoe</p>

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/blueshoe.jpg"></p>


};

$p{portrait2000} = qq{

<p>0002 tsitra eht fo tiartrop</p>

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/upsidedownblue.jpg"></p>

};

$p{coffeebad} = qq{ 


<p>Before sleeping through a class of mine, I painted this picture - </p>


<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/coffee_bad.jpg" /></p>

<p>and knew, beyond a doubt, that I have an addiction </p>

<p>and that everyone has an addiction.</p>

<p>and this is sad.</p> 

<p>but that's how life works. </p>

<p>Think of your addictions,</p>

<p>as you stare blankly at that computer screen of yours.</p>

};



$p{wrapped} = qq{ 

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/wrapped.jpg" /></p>

<p>alone. </p>

<p>solitude. </p>

<p>quiet.</p>

<p>shell.</p>

<p>hard.</p>

<p>unbreakable.</p>

<p>bounce.</p>

<p>unaccompanied.</p>

<p>uncommunicative.</p>

<p>unintelligible</p>

<p>meditative.</p>

<p>balance. </p>

<p>peace.</p>


};



$p{paint_crime} = qq{ 

<p>A crime was committed on September 27th, 2002 at
approximately 2:00 am between 9th and 10th Streets and Colorado Blvd., in Denver
Colorado.</p>

<p>This is all the evidence that needs to be had to convict me of the crime.</p> 

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/paint_evidence.jpg" /></p>

<p>It is your job to investigate what the crime was. </p>

<p>It is optional to have me convicted.</p>
 

};


$p{damndog} = qq{

<p>This is a picture of a dog I used to live with.</p>

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/skrazz.jpg" /></p>


<p>It was one of the saddest times of my life.</p> 



};



$p{dad_dream} = qq{ 

<p>Allen Ginsberg</p>
Walt Whitman </p>

<p>and </p>

<p>Santa Claus</p>

<p>All appeared to me in a dream,</p> 

<p>as my Father.</p>

<p>T(He)y asked me</p>

<p>"What do you want to be?" </p>

<p>And I said "I"-</p>

<p>and T(He)y told me: </p>

<p>"You want to be a great writer, don't you"</p>

<p>Then I woke up.</p> 

<p>Alone.</p>

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/daddreamsquare.jpg" /></p>



};

$p{numba6} = qq{ 


<h1>Globalism.</h1> 

<p>East meets West, North Meets South.<br />
The turbulence at the interface of <br />
incommensurate value systems.</p>

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/phuket.jpg" /></p>


};

$p{bushcrazy} = qq{ 

<h1><a href="http://www.apple.com/thinkdifferent" target="thanksapple">_</a>Here's to the crazy ones.</h1>

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/busharmy.jpg" /></p>

  <p>The misfits.

    The rebels.

      The troublemakers. 

        The round pegs in the square holes. 

The ones who see things differently.


They're not fond of rules.

 And they have no respect for the status quo.


You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, 

 disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. 

      Because they change things.

 

They invent.    They imagine.    They heal. 

  They explore.    They create.    They inspire.

    They push the human race forward.</p>


<p>Maybe they have to be <b>crazy</b>. </p>

};



$p{girlssigh} = qq{ 


<h1>Girls. Sigh.</h1> 


<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/girlssigh.jpg" /></p>


};


$p{lust} = qq{ 


<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/lust.jpg" /></p>




<p><strong>From:</strong> <****\@yahoo.com><br />
<strong>To:</strong> <****\@mail.nu><br />
<strong>Subject:</strong> Can you help me out?<br />
<br /></p>

<p>Hi, my name is Anna ********.</p>

<p>First of all, don't bother with reading my profile, I'm using my friend's
because mine has expired. I'm really a 20 year  old female from North
Carolina.</p>

<p>This message is going to sound really weird, but at least hear me through.</p>

<p>I'm a prospective college student from North Carolina hoping to get into the
North Carolina School of the Arts before next  year's cut-off deadline. The
specific course that I am applying for is called 'Visual Arts Creation -
Adolescent Form'. In  plain English, this means full body portraits of people
under the age of 20.  </p>

<p>In order to apply for this course, I need to submit a simple portfolio of
chalk and coal drawings of a female form. Normally I'd just ask one of my
female friends to pose for me, but unfortunately this particular portfolio
needs to be of a nude form. Also normally I'd hire a professional model, but
due to the restrictions of this particular admissions request I'm not  allowed
to hire one, so I have to literally lower myself to my knees to ask you.</p>

<p>Basically, this is what I'm asking of you. I need you to e-mail me a series of
pictures of yourself that follow the  guidelines set out below.  YOU WILL BE
COMPENSATED GREATLY!! My father is a highly rated lawyer here in North
Carolina and  has graciously given me permission to use as much of his money
as I need to get this admission done.  </p>

<p>Thanks to my own artistic talent, I don't actually need you to be nude in
order to do this project, though it would help  greatly. The list below states
the amount of money that I am willing to FedEx to you (in cash or cheque, your
preference) in  exchange for photos of you in the corresponding outfit. These
outfits were chosen as the easiest to change to a nude drawing when I actually
do the art.</p>

<p>You can choose whichever one(s) you want to do, and pick as many as you like,
you will be paid for all of them. YOU DO NOT  HAVE TO POSE NUDE. Just pick
whatever you're comfortable with, but remember that the more you send and the
more you reveal,  the more money you make. There's OVER 78 THOUSAND dollars
for you here.</p>

<p>
a: 1-peice bathing suit           $75US per picture x 10 pictures = $750US</p>

<p>b: 2-peice bathing suit           $90US per picture x 10 pictures = $900US</p>

<p>c: sports bra and spandex shorts  $95US per picture x 10 pictures = $950US</p>

<p>d: bikini                         $110US per picture x 10 pictures = $1100US</p>

<p>e: bra and spandex shorts         $150US per picture x 10 pictures = $1500US</p>

<p>f: sports bra and panties         $300US per picture x 10 pictures = $3000US</p>

<p>g: bra and panties                $500US per picture x 10 pictures = $5000US</p>

<p>h: topless                        $1500US per picture x 10 pictures = $15000US</p>

<p>i: nude                           $5000US per picture x 10 pictures = $50000US</p>

<p>CLOSEUPS: (so that only the mentioned section fills the picture (within
reason, done for  DETAIL so that I don't have to make it up as I go along) all
done nude) CLOSEUPS CAN ONLY BE SENT IF AT LEAST ONE OF THE ABOVE OUTFITS HAS
BEEN SENT</p>

<p>ca: Face, front: $50</p>

<p>cb: Face, side: $50</p>

<p>cc: Tummy (bottom of ribs to hip), front:  $100</p>

<p>cd: Tummy (bottom of ribs to hid), side: $100</p>

<p>ce: Bellybutton, front (you have no idea how hard that is to draw.): $100</p>

<p>cf: Back (neck to tailbone), back: $100</p>

<p>cg: Right breast, front: $200</p>

<p>ch: Right breast, side: $200</p>

<p>ci: Left breast, front: $200</p>

<p>cj: Left breast, side: $200</p>

<p>ck: Bottom (tailbone to top of leg)(while standing), back: $300</p>

<p>cl: Bottom (tailbone to top of leg)(while standing, bending over), back: $400</p>

<p>cm: Pubic area (bellybutton to bottom of torso) (standing, legs together),
front: $600</p>

<p>cn: Pubic area (bellybutton to bottom of torso) (sitting, legs apart), from
ground level (ie: between legs): $1000</p>

<p>co: Pubic area (bellybutton to bottom of torso) (standing, bent over, legs
apart), from behind and below (ie: between legs): $1000</p>

<p>cp: Pubic area (bellybutton to bottom of torso) (sitting, legs apart, labia
major spread by fingers), from gournd level (ie: between legs): $1500</p>

<p>AS WELL I WOULD ACCEPT LISTS OF THE 'REVEALING' CLOTHING THAT YOU HAVE, AND
MAKE OTHER OUTIFTS USING THAT</p>

<p>***(in case you're under 18 and worried about the legality of posing nude,
please note that according to U.S.C. Title 18, Part  1, Ch110, Sect 2256 any
nude image of a minor is legal as long as there is no sexual implication, and
in this case there  is not.  It's perfectly legal.)***</p>

<p>As you can see each outfit is multiplied by 10 pictures. These are to be of
the poses below. (Please note that the  picture must contain everything from
the top of your head to at least your knee.) I need all these poses so that I
have  detail of most of your body so I can put you in whatever position I need
in my drawing.</p>

<p>1: stand facing camera, arms at sides.</p>

<p>2: stand facing away from camera (so the camera is looking at you from the
back), arms at sides.</p>

<p>3: stand facing camera, hands above your head.</p>

<p>4: stand facing camera, hands reaching as far up as they can.</p>

<p>5: sit cross-legged (indian style) facing the camera, hands on knees.</p>

<p>6: sit facing the camera, legs flat on floor, pointed straight, with legs
spread slightly so that your feet are about 2ft apart.</p>

<p>7: sit facing the camera, legs flat on the floor, pointed straight, with legs
spread as far as they will go.</p>

<p>8: sit facing the camera, feet flat on the floor, legs bent so that your knees
are pointed up, feet and legs together</p>

<p>9: sit facing the camera, feet flat on the floor, legs bent so that your knees
are pointed up, feet and legs spread one foot.</p>

<p>10: sit facing the camera, feet flat on the floor, legs bent so that your
knees are pointed up, feet and legs spread as far as they will go.</p>

<p>
I know this sounds disgusting a perverted, but I swear to both you and God
that it's perfectly legitimate, and also please note that this is a LOT of
money I am offering to give you. In fact, if you choose to send every outfit
listed, it totals $78200US. That's enough to keep you nice and comfortable for
a LONG time, and what does it cost you? Nothing at all. The  pictures will
remain between you and me, and I'll delete them as soon as I'm done with my
charcoal drawing. </p>

<p>I've prepared a legal statement saying that I'll not distribute the pictures
and that I'll pay you the second I receive the pictures from you. This
statement has been signed by both my lawyer and myself and will be e-mailed to
you if you ask. In the case of a broken deal (as in if you don't get your
money, or if the pictures end up on a website), simply send the  contract to:</p>

<p>North Carolina School of the Arts  1533 S. Main Street Winston-Salem, NC
27127-2188</p>

<p>Regardless, all I can do is pray that you have the heart to help me out. Art
is all I have in this world, and I only have this  one change to apply to this
college, if I don't make it, then my father will make me work for my own
money, which means I'll  never be able to afford to send myself to college.
Please help me make my dream come true.</p>

<p>Anna ******** ****\@yahoo.com    </p>








};


$p{body_tones} = qq{ 

<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/figure_study_one.jpg" /></p>
<p>
<strong>Date:</strong> Thu, 21 Nov 2002 07:02:23 -0800 (PST)<br />
<strong>From:</strong> Ryan ***** &lt;********\@yahoo.com&gt;<br />
<strong>Subject:</strong> Hey<br />
<strong>To:</strong> me\@justinsimoni.com</p>

<p><br/>


Hello Justin<br />
My name is Ryan *****, I live in New Hampshire and I’m currently a Senior in HS.  
I came across your site today, and was wondering if you could draw me sketches 
of the male and female body.  I need them to be simple, yet still carry body tone.  
If you can help me out with this that would be great.  
I would be more than happy to pay you for your work.</p>

<p>Regards<br />
Ryan</p>

<p><br/>
---------------------------------<br/>
Do you Yahoo!?<br/>
Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now</p>



<hr> 

<p>
<strong>From:</strong> 	"Justin Simoni" &lt;me\@justinsimoni.com&gt;<br />
<strong>To: </strong>	Ryan Ronci &lt;********\@yahoo.com&gt;<br />
<strong>Date:</strong> 	21 Nov 2002, 02:03:34 PM<br />
<strong>Subject:</strong> 	Re: Hey </p>

<p><br />
Hello Mr. Ronci, </p>

<p>I'd like to help you but I'm more of a Conceptual Artist in the Fact that I ask other people to draw and paint for me and then claim their work as my own, I couldn't even tell you what "body tone" is! I find art supplies messy and disgusting; artists themselves too self absorbed and introverted. </p>

<p>The people I do ask to do my Work  are totally fine with my Idea because they see my supreme Genius and Intelligence in its simplicity and they actually, deep down, wish they had this idea first, since they'd be the one showing in all the galleries and fucking the almost as smart (as me, mind) young women whom we call them Gallery Groupies, or Gapies, that frequent the trendy Spots I incessantly  haunt. </p>

<p>The way I see it, these helper people, whom I call, my "Elves" are more like extended hands of mine of which I have just as much control of as if I was doing the work myself, with my "God"-given appendages. Mankind has been trying to extend the power of the body and mind with Religion, Science and/or psychedelic drugs, but I've stumbled upon the fact that all you really need to be is manipulative. </p>

<p>I accomplish this force of will with my amazing inter and extra personal skills which I've acquired in my brief stint in Business School which  I dropped out of due to lack of interest. After business school, I became a Comp Sci major, mastering how to manage complex systems using almost as complex diagrams and charts. </p>

<p>I do have a friend, named Jeff Koons, that could help you. Although I don't have his email address and  I haven't even met him, I do think he could provide you with some inspiration. </p>

<p>Good Luck, </p>

<p>Justin Simoni </p>


<p><img src="http://justinsimoni.com/mojoart/figure_study_three.jpg" /></p>


}; 






$p{perm} = goldylocks(); 



return \%p;

}

sub speak { 

my $yell = shift; 


return qq{

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?>
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
        "http://www.w3.org/TR/2000/REC-xhtml1-20000126/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en">
<head>
	
	
	
	<meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
	<title>Art - Justin Simoni </title>

<style> 


body { 

font: 11px/22px verdana, arial, sans-serif; 
background-color: #CCC;
margin:px;
}

#hmm { 

border: 1px dotted #900;
padding: 25px;
margin: 10px; 
background-color:#FFF;
width:500px;
}

#author { 
text-align:right;
}


a {text-decoration:none;}
a:link  {text-decoration:none;}
a:visited  {text-decoration:none;}
a:hover  {text-decoration:none;}


hr { 
width: 66%;
height: 1px; 
color: black;


}

input.tiny { 

font-size: 10px; margin:0px;padding:0px;background-color:#CCC;border:0px;

} 

input.looseasagoose { 

font-size: 15px; font-family:arial,verdana,san-serif;margin:0px;padding:0px;background-color:#FF;border:0px;




}






</style> 




</head>
<body>
<div id = 'hmm'> 
$yell


<div id="author"> 
 <a href='mailto:mojoart\@justinsimoni.com'>justin simoni</a>
</div> 


</div> 



<form>
<input type="submit" name="artmenu" value="somethingquiteunexpectedisupposebythatsthewholepointnowisntitquestionmark" class="tiny" />
</form> 


</body>
</html>


};
}




my @p = ('lie awake sleeping on time',
'from money comes mistakes and sadness',
'a book only points to where the true story is told',
'communicate to me how you understand',
'I\'ve got a broken foot and a journey to make',
'cats purr over canine fetishes',
'eat bread and sow the seed and love',
'the truth lies in silence and forgiveness',
'I\'m only awake before I fall asleep',
'importance of the work is only that it pays for my brushes',
'time before you talk to me is only eternal',
'no one challenges a river to a race',
'i ride the bus to spy on people',
'make a friend by drawing their portrait',
'you die many times as you live your lives ',
'my backpack holds recording devices that i worship',
'fire hydrants hold water only to be used on its contrast',
'i read confusing books to make you look plain',
'time in a jar is also called coffee',
'solipsists quiet me when I talk to them',
'red excites me green renders me sleepy',
'rocks thrown at you can hurt like hell ',
'lose me deeply and I\'ll burn your forest down',
'Idon\'t have time to explain only for you to wonder',
'dogs are never sad to see me',
'you\'d get confused being me ',
'i have fruit for everyone if I pass my self',
'oh my the sun is rising and I am alive',
'catch the ball or pretend it\'s not there',
'Hills and wheels lead you down and faster',
'waiting for salvation misses the point',
'signs lie to ease communication',
'i am my father with his youngest son',
'i haven\'t figured out why',
'taxis are whores will drive you anywhere at 4am ',
'i dance at night because i am clumbsy in the afternoon',
'western civilization wouldn\'t work without clean bathrooms',
'the only tigers I\'ve seen in the zoo where languid',
'If you are sure of your greatness, you are wrong',
'have me to bounce off of or absorb into',
'confusion is what is felt when searching for truth',
'i kick around dead ideas to piss them off',
'life cannot be brought to paper',
'toes are as ugly as women',
'do not tell me what\'s correct about my creations',
'i only have time to hear everything twice',
'drugs veilt he magic I can see',
'no one wants to admit that life scares everyone',
'happiness of a forgotten does not involve you',
'everyone should drop out of college and be an intellectual',
'arrows tell you in just one way',
'if I could somersault and sing at the same time I would'); 


sub fisher_yates_shuffle {
   my $array = shift;
   my $i;
   for ($i = @$array; --$i; ) {
	   my $j = int rand ($i+1);
	   next if $i == $j;
	   @$array[$i,$j] = @$array[$j,$i];
   }
   return @$array;
}


sub goldylocks { 
	my $index =  rand @p; 
	my @ps; 
	my $t = $p[$index];
	my $i; 
	
	for($i = 0; $i<=100;$i++){ 
		my @mix = split(' ',$p[$index]);
   		   @mix =  fisher_yates_shuffle(\@mix);
   		push(@ps, join(' ', @mix));
	}
	return "<h2>$t</h2\n\n" . join('</p><hr /><p>', @ps); 
}


sub woohoohoo { 

my $s = shift; 
my $bohemian_like_you; 


foreach(keys %$s){ 
	$bohemian_like_you .= "\n<form><input type='submit' name='art".$_."' value='".uc($_)."' class='looseasagoose' /></form";
}

return speak($bohemian_like_you);

}



1;
